I spend sunday afternoons pondering
who am I? what is me?
am I the collection of thoughts and things I complete
am I more than my shell
or merely the flesh between the top of my head and the souls of my feet?
you may be aware of the butterfly effect
but are you aware of the butterfly-shaped organ
that allows you to metabolize the food that you eat
it makes sure you grow your hair
and that your heart keeps beating and beating, on repeat
this life-sustaining organ is called your thyroid
mine was stripped from me the 15th of December preceding 2023
everyday since that day and
everyday that follows this day
everyday until my last day
I must take a pill to just be
let me take you through my morning routine
I wake up
for a brief moment I see the world through the lens of someone less broken
I am in a world without problems
I am happy, at peace, just free
then as sure as the sunrise
traumatic events of the past rush into reality
my memories of the ER
feeling anxious and afraid
not knowing what’s wrong with me
lost in a sea of potential diagnoses
hoping for the best
then it hit me
I have graves disease
an auto-immune disorder that if left untreated…will kill me
one moment I was a healthy 21 year old
the next, in need of surgery
a total thyroidectomy
full of anger, sadness, fear, and rage
eager to be fixed
eager to turn the page
yet naively unaware of the permanence of this chapter
how the ink it’s written in was bleeding through the rest of the book
staining the words unread, the life yet lived
tethering my existence to the miracle of modern medicine
then I roll over
my feet hit the floor
I take a deep breath
and swallow the pill
once more
yes, I am breathing and my heart is beating
and I may be alive but I am not free
I’m merely the broken version of me that used to be
trapped in this mourning routine
wherever I go, my pills must follow
no
wherever my pills go, I must follow
I am the dog
the pills are my leash
how can I be complete
when I struggle to discern the space where the bottle of pills and my life force meet
I may be trapped, physically
But these chains serve as a reminder to breathe
to smell the flowers
admire the chirp of the birds
become a tree hugger
and feel the Earth beneath my feet
I may be trapped
locked in a cell with a bottle of pills
but my mind has been set free
free to enjoy the moment, happy & grateful
reminded this day is not guaranteed
Thriving on food, water, and levothyroxine.